“Tamyara P. Brown get out of the bed and fight. You are a fighter. I will not let you just lie down and die. Now you have the power to make it happen. Your journey is not over yet. You are stronger than you think you are”
Tears streamed down my face my heart heavy with pain. In the same room for two days refusing to come out because I was re-evaluating my life. Each hour drifting deeper into my blues of feeling inadequate, I wanted more, I wanted to be somebody special and just stand for something. It seemed as if I was speaking and the world never heard me. Everyone was either too busy, or didn't want to hear my blues. I felt as if no one understood what it was like to be different, to be lonely with a house full of children, dealing with a sick son. It was weighing me down and it was when I got the biggest surprise that would forever change the woman I was.
A voice enters the dark room first calling my name and for the moment I refuse to answer because I was not only angry but also sad. The voice called out again, “ Tamyara Pamela Brown. You are stronger than you can ever imagine. All you ever endured and when you're so close to the blessings God is going to shower you with. Please pray with me?”
I replied, “ I don't want to. Please just leave me alone, I'm tired I need rest. Tell me why life had to always be hard for me, huh? Why my life is a mess and not filled with success? So many of my friends are two steps ahead. I am always twenty-seven steps behind myself. I pray, I'm as good as I can be to people, I work hard and caring. God why can't you give me a break?”
A light illuminated my room and a man dressed in white walked towards me and touched my hand. Startled and overwhelm because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He kneel beside me and recited the Lord's prayer and I too began to pray with him. An instant calm came over me. In a moment that he appears he had disappeared again. I got out of the bed and restore my faith in life and though this process didn't happen overnight. I got out the bed, open my blinds and took a shower. Baby steps toward my progress began when I took my first step.
We are faced every day with difficulties some we breeze through and we go on about our business. Some difficulties can knock us out. I guess I am fighter in every aspect of the word because my bouts have been many. When I was down for the count and the referee was counting down to the number 8. I slowly find my bearing and rise ready to fight again. Some have called me an unusual fool to take the blows life has thrown at me and find reason to smile. If they only knew how hard I fought to get to this place. How I have just started to have faith in myself. If people knew how I cried and walk out the door the next day as if nothing happen. Been at the end of the rope because I was lonely when my phone didn't ring once and not a call from no one.
My dreams and journey go further than just being an employee but an employer. I desire to publish books and build a publishing company. I have recognize that nothing that God has put in front of me was meant for destruction but a test of my faith and strength. I have fought many battles, lost many but I have come out ready for more. It even amazes me how I can have my back up against the wall and find a crawl space to get out of it.
As I write this blog I hope that my readers will see that in the midst of the storm is where you find your strength. When friends, family and associates have turn their back on you is when God has his your back. Whatever it is you are stronger than you think you are.
© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite